Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Let the healing begin.

Last Monday I had a post in mind - all written up about Meg and how well she was doing. Potty training? Totally on track. Bonding with family? Better than I could have hoped.

Instinct? Coming in right on track.

Recall? Dang good for a 4-month old puppy. I was especially proud of this.

For the record, hubris sucks.

So does the universe interpreting 'Getting this puppy is a declaration of healing' in a completely different way than I intended. For most of last week, my attitude was 'Bite me, universe.'

You see, on Monday evening I put the Bella and Meg out to go to the bathroom. Meg saw Cygnus chasing a vole in the driveway and went running over to start herding him. I was enjoying watching her because, like I said, her instinct was coming in right on track.

Then I saw my husband pulling into the driveway, on the phone, not paying attention. This has always been a fear of mine that drives him crazy - that he'll be so distracted that he'll accidentally hit one of the kids. Because I have this fear, I started calling Meg - I knew Cygnus would be paying attention and move, but she was only four months old. Her recall that was so good in training and when we were doing chores? Yeah, it was right on track for a four month old puppy with one thing on her mind - which means not so good when her instinct is running the show.

I had to watch as my husband ran over her and I couldn't get there in time to get his attention to stop him. This is what could be called a 'rough patch' in a marriage.

For the first three days after it happened, I was in an emotional no-man's land. I was dry-eyed as I washed and put away her kennel, mixed her food in with Cygnus' food, and moved her toys over into the 'all-dog' basket. Then I got flowers from my sister saying 'I'm so sorry for your loss.' and I cried so hard.

See, I meant it when I said that this dog was a declaration of healing for me. I was healing and I was planning to keep on healing. I had plans for this dog and me. For the partnership we were going to have, for her presence making me focus more on the 'me' part of myself instead of being 100% on the 'mommy' part, and for the fun we were going to have herding and training. I sold half of my goats to purchase her. Her kennel and toys were my Christmas present. She herself was so good for all of our family. So her loss wasn't just the loss of a dog. It was also my plans for the future.

I meant for her to be the culmination of my healing. I didn't think that I would need to heal *from* her.

It's amazing how much of an impact she had in a month.

And now I need to recalibrate.

I'll be posting mainly fluff stuff for awhile. Anything to keep me busy. After all, I have a baby to get ready for.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Garden objectives for next year.

We've put ourselves on a strict garden budget this year, so going through seeds and catalogs without having a firm plan in place was an exercise in frustration. Yesterday I sat down and tried to write down exactly what I wanted to accomplish this year.

1 - Grow all of the common vegetables that we use in the summer. Because it's a bit ridiculous to buy bell peppers in the store when you can grow them for pennies.
2 - Grow the amount of vegetables and herbs necessary to make own salsa, tomato sauce, and bottled peppers. Then actually make them.
3 - Grow root vegetables for goats. Convince them that they want to eat them.
4 - Grow comfrey for chickens. If I can find a source.
5 - Grow enough cabbage for slaw, kraut, and kimchi. Not lose it and call my sister in tears if cows break into the garden and eat all 70 healthy transplants like they did last year.
6 - Grow edamame beans for girls. Such a hit last year and soooo easy to grow. I love it when easy meets happy.
7 - Grow peas. Because I have never been able to.
8 - Grow basil for pesto. Not lose it and call my sister in tears if cows eat all 140 healthy transplants like they did last year. Not plant 140 basil transplants. Moderation, moderation.
9 - Grow popcorn? (questionable based on weather) We're in as good of a place as we can be (surrounded by desert and organic farms) to grow corn not tainted by GMOs.
10 - Grow radishes and carrots for fresh eating. Because I'm truly dependent on fresh radishes and baguettes to make my spring feel right.
11 - Grow flowers for my soul. Not swear so loudly if my husband rototills in exactly the spot that I just told him not to rototill, destroying all of my coveted lilac zinnias. Not even think about committing physical assault when he says in a truly baffled voice "But they're just flowers."
12 - (Matt) Start berry patch. Again. My goal is to make sure my goats don't get in it and destroy it in 10 minutes flat. That's just greedy - they need to take at least 20 minutes next time.

Is that too much? Not enough? Still not sure ... But it does give me a more set finish point to base my starting point on. Now to not let the catalogs sway me. Oh, but they do sway me.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

On today's list -

starting my pattern organization.

Notice I said *starting*.

Yeah.

I figured I had to do *something* on my to-do list today, so I picked this one.

Today I got 'Dogs', 'Toys', 'Doll Clothes', 'Bags', and 'Home Furnishings' done. I'm out of plastic sheets for right now.

After going through the patterns, I realized a few things.

A) I have a disproportionate number of Simplicity patterns. I don't know whether this is because Simplicity has more patterns I'm interested in than the other big companies or whether it's because they go on the 99 cents per pattern sale more often.

B) I have a depressingly small number of patterns for myself. I'm going to work on that.

C) I have no idea why I have this pattern.

Quilted purses aren't really my thing.

Measurement Chart

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Winter doesn't slow us down!

Well, it does, really. At least the outside stuff. I took that when the kids asked to go for a walk outside. It was 9 degrees - they lasted halfway down the driveway.

But pony-riding is still happening.

I'm so grateful she has a daddy who's up for taking her on freezing rides.

I'm also grateful she has a mommy who runs outside and snaps pictures for posterity before running back inside. That's almost as important, I'm sure of it.

Monday, January 3, 2011

It's really not that funny.

It's really not.

I mean, it's just a cat turd, frozen in snowman style.

I really shouldn't think it's as funny as I did.

She's obviously not amused.

I've been living out here too long.