Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Let the healing begin.

Last Monday I had a post in mind - all written up about Meg and how well she was doing. Potty training? Totally on track. Bonding with family? Better than I could have hoped.

Instinct? Coming in right on track.

Recall? Dang good for a 4-month old puppy. I was especially proud of this.

For the record, hubris sucks.

So does the universe interpreting 'Getting this puppy is a declaration of healing' in a completely different way than I intended. For most of last week, my attitude was 'Bite me, universe.'

You see, on Monday evening I put the Bella and Meg out to go to the bathroom. Meg saw Cygnus chasing a vole in the driveway and went running over to start herding him. I was enjoying watching her because, like I said, her instinct was coming in right on track.

Then I saw my husband pulling into the driveway, on the phone, not paying attention. This has always been a fear of mine that drives him crazy - that he'll be so distracted that he'll accidentally hit one of the kids. Because I have this fear, I started calling Meg - I knew Cygnus would be paying attention and move, but she was only four months old. Her recall that was so good in training and when we were doing chores? Yeah, it was right on track for a four month old puppy with one thing on her mind - which means not so good when her instinct is running the show.

I had to watch as my husband ran over her and I couldn't get there in time to get his attention to stop him. This is what could be called a 'rough patch' in a marriage.

For the first three days after it happened, I was in an emotional no-man's land. I was dry-eyed as I washed and put away her kennel, mixed her food in with Cygnus' food, and moved her toys over into the 'all-dog' basket. Then I got flowers from my sister saying 'I'm so sorry for your loss.' and I cried so hard.

See, I meant it when I said that this dog was a declaration of healing for me. I was healing and I was planning to keep on healing. I had plans for this dog and me. For the partnership we were going to have, for her presence making me focus more on the 'me' part of myself instead of being 100% on the 'mommy' part, and for the fun we were going to have herding and training. I sold half of my goats to purchase her. Her kennel and toys were my Christmas present. She herself was so good for all of our family. So her loss wasn't just the loss of a dog. It was also my plans for the future.

I meant for her to be the culmination of my healing. I didn't think that I would need to heal *from* her.

It's amazing how much of an impact she had in a month.

And now I need to recalibrate.

I'll be posting mainly fluff stuff for awhile. Anything to keep me busy. After all, I have a baby to get ready for.

16 comments:

Kyre said...

I am so, so, so sorry to hear about Meg.

Cate and David said...

I wish I could give you a hug. Words just aren't cutting it. But they are all I have - I'm so desperately sorry.

James and Jessi McCalvy said...

Sarah. This makes me cry. I had been thinking about you this week, actually wondering how things were going with your puppy. I am so, so sorry. Love to you. Jessi

Cindy's Custom Creations said...

O. M. G. Sarah--- I don't know what to say. How awful for you. I am so very sorry. :-(

J said...

Oh, Sarah! I am so so very sorry.

Sue, Joe and Michael Webber said...

Oh bloody hell Sarah! Did you punch him? I would have! So very, very sad. No words just (((hugs)))

catcreek said...

I am so sorry. No words... but lots of internet hugs and thoughts.

affectioknit said...

Oh no! I'm so very sorry...Peace be with you...

debbiedas said...

I can't even believe this. I'm soooo sorry and soooo sad for your loss. Words just aren't enough. Sending you so much love and peace. xoxo

the Goodwife said...

Hi Sarah,
You don't have to publish this comment if you don't want, but I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I also wanted to share with you that I understand your pain. I've had 3 little dogs in my life and I've killed them all. My first one, a pug named Holly, I ran over with the bushhog mower. You can imagine how that was. Later I got another one, a doxie mix named Darcy. One day I got in the truck to move it. Moved it, went in the house, and then about 4 hours later I was wondering where Darcy was. I went out and looked around, didn't find her so I looked in the truck. She'd gotten in behind me and I didn't know it. It was July and she suffocated. The last one was Brandy. I posted about her death a while ago, but what I didn't tell people was that I had to put her down myself. She was suffering and I had no way to get her to the vet, so I took her outside and did it.

I'm so sorry if these stories are painful for you, as they are painful for me to write. I just wanted you to know I understand. The deaths of those first two dogs really affected me. That said........time did heal my wounds, although I'll never ever forget. I don't know why they happened, but I do know God had a reason.

I've debated all day long wether to write this comment, but I just want you to know I feel your pain. I'm sorry if I've done more harm than good.

I'll be thinking of you!

God bless

Farmgirl_dk: said...

Your post didn't come up in my Reader until this morning. I am so sad for you, I can hardly stand it.
Please know I am giving you a great big hug right now and wishing you peace. Who knows why these things happen, but they do. I bet Matt is just beside himself. But I know that healing comes in a variety of way at times when you least expect it. Keep posting, Sarah - fluff or not. It's good to keep writing and putting it out there.
I'm here for you if you need to talk and want a good listening ear.

Farmer Jen said...

Tears in my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss. Keep her love in your heart.

Fay McKenzie said...

Hugs my dear - although we're far apart - I'm sending you one anyway from this windy place to that one. x
Fay

healinggreen said...

Aw, Sarah, I haven't been here in a few months, and I return to find you so sad :( I hope things are getting better. This sort of thing has happened to so many people (my own grandfather and I (I was 5, in the truck too) ran over my uncles cat one night in the driveway) the only good thing I can say is that I am sure now your husband will be more careful, and you shouldn't have to worry about him running over your children anymore.

On the flip side -- I do believe our thoughts have power, especially strong emotions and thoughts. So as our fears get broadcasted into the 'verse, I think sometimes we draw them to us. That's why I don't watch horror movies or shows about rape or murder too often... Plus they just give me the heebie jeebies. Anyhoo -- not saying in ANY way this is your fault, of course.

I hope a new dog finds its way to you soon, and that it WILL be healing. I send you tons of love and blessings, and a big big hug, too.

Sonja said...

Goodness Sarah! I am so sorry for your loss. We just came home with the three kids from dinner with friends. I was so happy to see a message from you on my blog that I popped over to see what you are up to. Your pictures of a wholesome happy family are a quiet joy of mine. I love to see what you are up too. The loss of your puppy brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for you and your family. Hugs to you and your children. To your husband too as to kill something by mistake must be the hardest of punishments. Peace to you this evening : )

Stephanie said...

I was just coming over to see if you had written here, since you don't much at the other. And I found this!

I'm so, so sorry for your sadness. Hugs and more hugs to you.